Journeys

I have so much to be thankful for.

I live in a country that, despite its problems, allows me to enjoy freedom of thought and religion and speech.  There’s such a rich diversity of people and opinions, it’s really a beautiful thing.  I’m thankful for the freedoms I enjoy and those who have fought and do fight so we may keep those freedoms.

There is so much left to my journey, so many roads to travel and so many experiences to be had.  Despite my young age, I feel like I have already had rich experiences.  I’m thankful for the journey that has brought me to where I am now, and I’m hopeful for whatever my future holds.

I live in such a beautiful world, one that reminds me daily of the great God I love.  In every sunset, every unfurled flower, I see His love for me and that gives me joy.  I’m thankful for the little things God does to remind me of His great Love for me.

I’m save by grace, redeemed by blood and forever forgiven.  What more could I want or need?  My faith means so much to me, is a core part of who I am.  I’m extremely thankful for my salvation and the outpouring of constant grace that He gives.

In getting married I gained a "new" family, one that I greatly look forward to getting to know over the years.  I’m thankful for marriage and this new life and the new people I am blessed to know.

I’m so blessed by my family.  There’s no way to quantify the rewards I have received from them.  They have been my foundation and my support from the beginning; I don’t know where or who I would be without them.  I love them dearly and am so thankful for them and the role they’ve had in my life.

Last but not least, Jason.  Where do I even begin?  He’s my best friend and loves me so unconditionally.  He really exemplifies for me God’s love for humanity.  Despite my shortcomings, he loves me and continually reminds me of that love.  He supports my dreams, dries my tears and lifts me up when I have stumbled.  I am so thankful for this forever love that I have in human form, he is the most important person in my life and I hope to love him in the way that he loves me.

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This short list does not even scratch the surface of my gratitude; I have been blessed beyond belief and every day I am reminded of those blessings.  There are unseen things too that are happening in my life; some of those will be revealed to me before I close my eyes for the last time, some will be revealed after that.  Whatever those things are, and the ones not mentioned here, I lift up my heart and my eyes to the Father and say "Thank you" for all that He has given me.

A few weeks ago I came across this wonderful song by Tenth Avenue North.  It’s perfect for the brokenhearted, which as flawed humans we often are.

I was reaching my hand into the drawer to retrieve the measuring cups.  I was going to make crust for quiche and berry pie (yum on all counts).  I felt a sharp prick on my middle and ring finger and quickly drew my hand out of the drawer.  OUCH.  Blood was seeping from the two wounds.  It was pretty gross.  Long story short, I didn’t make the crust or the quiche or the pie.  Sad day.  Maybe tomorrow, if these bad boys are feeling better.

The culprits:

The ouchies:

I’ve been going through my blog and looking at different posts and I realized how much I miss this outlet.  I’ve either been too busy or I haven’t been inspired.  I itch to get that inspiration again, to hear the words in my mind and see them form in front of me.  This semester has been the most paper heavy of my entire college career (another reason I haven’t written much).  And it’s not quite over yet.  I have one more big paper that I’m working on though it’s not due until December 10th.  It’s getting to that point in the semester where I just want it to end and I know that that reality is close.  After tomorrow there’s only three more instructional weeks left with one week for Thanksgiving break nestled in there.  I can’t believe it. I’m almost halfway done with my senior year of college.

I’m not sure what I’m doing once I’ve graduated; there’s a possibility that I’ll work with someone from our church who’s starting her own home daycare in June.  But that’s not really where my passion lies.  I still want to work with at-risk youth and their families.  Jason’s co-worker and I were having a discussion the other day on this very subject.  We decided that work needs to be done at ground-zero.  Children need to be given opportunities and support from the beginning.  This is especially true for children who live in inner cities or are born into poverty.  Their options are limited before they are even born and that greatly affects their future possibilities.   One of my classmates just did a presentation on the cradle to prison pipeline where children are born into circumstances that basically lead them straight behind bars.  There is something very wrong with that.  Communities need to come together and take care of their children.  Society needs to place higher priority on the well-being of the littlest citizens.  These children need people to stand up and fight for them, they need people to care and not just see their need but do something about it.  It’s great that the U.S. sends out so many missionaries to other third-world countries but we need more of focus on the third-world citizens living within our borders.  These are concerns near to my heart and they are what inspire me to get out there and make a difference in this broken world.

 It’s been a crazy October.  I had a lot of projects, papers and presentations due but now that I’ve turned them in and completed them, I feel like the semester is winding down.  We’ve had some great fellowship in the last month and lots of good times.  I know what my last semester of college is going to look like and life is moving along nicely.  I have five more weeks of this semester left (not including Thanksgiving break but including finals) and I’m so excited for the end. So.excited.  Today also marks our three month anniversary, we’ve been married for a quarter of a year!

It was terrible. srsly.

Last night I went to check on a grade for a paper I turned in last week.  It said I had 27%.  Um, what?!  I have never even gotten close to getting such a terrible grade on anything, even in math.  I think of myself as a good student, I work hard and do well.  Plus, I’m an achiever, doing well is what I thrive on, what I do.  Failure is not an option.  So I cried as Jason kissed my face and told me it was probably a mistake.  Yeah, ok.  And the thoughts kept coming: was it because I had uploaded it a few hours after 5 pm?  Was the analysis really that awful?  What had I done wrong?

So then.

I talked to my teacher today.  She told me not to freak out before she had a chance to check it.  Perhaps she had entered the grade incorrectly.  No one got a 27% she told me.  So I calmed down and waited.  She emailed me later today to tell me that I got 27 out of 30 points.  The gradebook said it was worth 100 points.  So I got 90%.  Ka-chow.

I want to

dance like the breeze

write poetry that brings people to their knees

compose a ballad that moves people to tears

These fingers missed this flow, the writing and the spark that runs through the body as thought turns to written word.  Shiver and still.  Too much action in my brain.  I have more papers to write, more air to breathe and more life to live. Oh, well.

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I changed a tire by myself today (previously I had some kind of help).  The thu-thunk of the tire alerted me to the flat.  I thought I could make it home but had to pull over, turned on the hazards, pulled out the jack and tire iron.  It took about 20 minutes, my hands got dirty, my hair kept blowing in my face and the zooming cars scared me a bit.  But I did it.

Wonder what tomorrow’s adventure will be. . .

The thoughts in my head are elbowing each other.  It’s kind of frustrating.

I’m thinking of pictures and what an interesting phenomenon they are.  It’s nice to capture moments but it’s also difficult if you weren’t involved in that moment to understand the background.  Even if I was involved in the taking of or being photographed, I wonder what I was thinking, what was assaulting my senses at the time.  It seems there’s always something to elude you.

I suck at letting things go.  Thoughts and the past often haunt me.  But maybe I want them to?

I don’t understand my own thoughts sometimes, why I feel the way I do.

Unknowingness frustrates me to no end.  Why must some people/things insist on being so mysterious?  Hmm?

There are too many songs out there.  I want to enjoy all the good ones.  But new ones are always invented and I’m not fast enough to catch them.

What would it be like if there was no concept of time?  What would happen to our society if suddenly technology collapsed?

Is it bad that I wish some people didn’t exist?  Don’t answer that.

I should go pick up Jason.

P.S. That’s not even the half of it.

So far this semester has been challenging, not just academically but also emotionally.  In several of my classes we’ve been tackling the issues of poverty and racism.  Obviously these are not new to me, but the way we have been talking about them, the context in which they are being presented, it has lit a fire in me.  I have always had a passion for caring for people, a desire to help those in need and fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.  I was really not excited about coming back to school this semester but I believe that God has been speaking to me everyday.  I believe I’m supposed to do something about these tragic issues that we’ve been discussing in class and I want to do something about the statistics we’ve been looking at.  My prayer is that this passion doesn’t fade, that God gives me clear direction and focus so that I can do my part to change the world.

I want to live with passion.

Life has been, in a word, great.  I’ve been so obviously blessed by God and I’m daily in awe of His clear and real presence in my life.  I’ve fallen so in Love with Him these last few months and I’m so excited to see what He’s going to do in the future.  While I’m feeling all this, I want to make sure and be real, to be genuine and not project someone I’m not.  I hope that my life reflects the core of who I am and that He is evident in my actions and words. 

Before this I was living in a very desolate place, feeling distant from Him and disconnected from who I was and wanted to be.  It’s amazing to feel this change, even if it wasn’t apparent from the outside.  I’ve felt immense peace and confidence in who I am even though the future isn’t completely clear.  I’m learning to Trust and have Faith outside of my own ability.  Even though I know that God is bigger than this little universe I inhabit, it was difficult for me to let go and allow Him to have control.  I’m finding that it’s been easier and I know that has had a hand in this Joy I am feeling.

I’m getting married in a little over a month and I’m so ready.  Through our conversations and the journey Jason and I have shared over the almost 6 years we’ve known each other, I know that he is The One for me and I’m so excited for us to become One.  Our story is wonderfully beautiful in its tragedies and its joys and I cannot wait to see what memories we’ll build on this foundation.

I’ve been home for about 3 weeks and I’ve gotten a lot done (at least in my mind).  The first week I was literally sewing the whole week, both for my dad’s work where I got paid, and then more personal work.  I was able to add more lining to my wedding dress, find flowers for myself and the bridesmaids, Mom got her dress, shoes and purse for the Big Day, I started making center pieces and we’ve planned and discussed different ideas for the decorations for the ceremony and reception.  I even know when my shower’s going to be.  Yesterday I started and finished a project that doesn’t have to do with the wedding but does have to do with moving in with my husband (eep!).  I sanded, primed and spray painted my old bureau.  I ended up with blue powder all over myself and paint on my hands and under my fingernails. The whole project took about 7 hours but it was totally worth it.

Before:

During:

After:

I’m pretty proud of how it turned out.

One year ago today I became a fiancée.  Yesterday we went to go get our marriage license.  It’s hard to believe that in less than three months I will be a married woman!

I have officially finished my Junior year of college.  I’m feelin’ good.

I feel bad that I haven’t be writing here much.  School’s kept me busy which isn’t entirely a bad thing, it means that the weeks go by that much faster.  I’ve not been getting the amount of sleep I should but soon, soon I will have an abundance of time.  Also, wedding planning is going really well and I’m so excited about being a Mrs.  Jason and I went to a weekend marriage conference that was totally amazing.  We’ll definitely be going to more as the years go by.

Life’s good.  Really good.

As you can probably guess, I’ve been really tired lately. The semester is now more than halfway over and I couldn’t be more thrilled.  On the other hand, that means deadlines are looming closer and closer which creates a spike in stress levels.  Ugh, I really don’t like homework.  The classes are enjoyable enough but it’s the stuff that I have to lug back home with me that is such a drag.  I’m really looking forward to summer break when I’ll get to wake up at 6am every weekday. . . hey, wait a sec!  At least I won’t have homework hovering over my head all the time.

In other news, wedding planning is kinda taking a break but we’ve got most of the major stuff taken care of which is a huge relief.  We’ll see if August 8th works out.  Here’s hoping. . .