Journeys

About a month ago I was in a meeting with one of my coworkers and she asked me if I had ever just sat still, doing nothing at all, enjoying creation and the God who made it.  While I have done that, it has been a long time since such a thing occurred.  This summer has been absolutely insane, I get up at 5:30am every weekday and don’t get home until 5:30pm at the earliest.  I’m exhausted all the time and I feel like everything is just piling up on top of me.  Whenever I think I’m making progress, more responsibilities seem to accumulate.  I had meant to make this post back when I had the conversation that inspired it, but as a testament to how busy I’ve been, I haven’t been able to really sit down and jot it down until now.

A month from today I will be moving out of my parent’s house and into my new house close to the university I’ll be attending for the next year and a half or so.  I’m super excited but also more and more nervous as the time draws nearer.  It’ll be so difficult to say goodbye to all the people I’ve grown close to this year.  I cannot believe the summer is already so close to the end, that I really will be leaving this place that I’ve known for almost all my life.  It’s a bittersweet feeling, this growing up business.  I want to hang on to all that has inspired me, to remember all the little details of my life that have given me joy.  Leaving everything familiar behind and moving on to something completely new is such an exhilarating feeling.

In the midst of all that’s filled my mind, I want to have moments of clarity, peace and quiet.  I must not neglect myself and my own needs, however trivial I might think they are most of the time.  I need moments to get away from all that bogs me down, to allow myself to be still and enjoy now.  And now.  And now. 

I hate waiting; patience is not my forte.  But I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for life to begin.  It’s as though I’ve been holding my breath, awaiting that moment when everything will fall into place and I know this is where I’m supposed to be.  Before that happens though I have to get certain things straightened out: I can’t have any grudges against anyone, I have to know what my career is going to be, finish school, get married, have children and be a successful adult.  But I’ve been realizing more and more that life begins now.  What I’m waiting for is never going to happen.  There will never be a perfect moment when life makes absolute sense and everything is truly right with the world.  No satisfaction would come from gaining that either.  Life is messy.  I’ve been broken, my heart shattered.  I am a flawed mirror attempting to accept and reflect God’s grace and love.  I do and will continue to fail.  My hope is not in myself but in the One who created me, the One who can take my brokenness and make it His beauty. 

All these thoughts are inspired by words I’ve heard this week.  One thought that sticks out to me from Sunday morning service is this: "What if your brokenness was never about you?  What if God is using it to reach out to someone else?"  And it’s so true; so often I look at my "suffering" in the context of me.  How is it hurting me?  How is it affecting me and the way I interact with others?  But I need to take my focus off myself and look at the broader picture.  How can my pain help someone else who is struggling?  How can I use this crutch to help someone else walk?

So to bring it back to my first thought.  I want to live now, to keep in mind that this is my life and I can’t keep waiting for it to begin.  Life beings now.

Just found out my official final grades:

A - Child Development

A - Child, Family & Community

B - Elementary Probability and Statistics

A - Developmental Psychology

Stupid B.  Oh well, now I’m done with math forever.  I’m so excited that from now on most of the classes I’m taking will focus on my major.  Graduation is a day closer.  w00t.

I had started writing this post yesterday morning but then Firefox decided to be stupid and freeze and I lost the whole thing.  Anyway, Tuesday afternoon I got back from spending the weekend with Steph.  We had an amazing time and I’m so thankful I got to be with her before she spends 6 weeks in Africa.  Matt was supposed to join us but complications arose at the last minute and he was unable to come.  Sad day.

Day 1 (Friday)

It began at 4 in the morning when I had to wake up for my 6 o’clock flight.  Dad drove me and pretty much kicked me off at the curb (and I was too tired to function, let alone be bothered by that).  Thanks to carry on I was checked in and in line for security within 5 minutes.  After they made me throw away my lotion and shaving cream, I made my way to the gate and was on my way in no time.  The flight was smooth and I even made it to San Diego a little ahead of schedule.

Steph met me at the curb and we headed over to a Japanese market only to find out that it didn’t open for another hour.  We headed back downtown intending on parking and walking along the water to admire all the pretty ships docked there.  Unfortunately we couldn’t find any free parking so we ended up just driving around until the market opened.  We grabbed a lot of Japanese chewy candies and by the time we arrived at the house it was still too early to eat lunch.

We wanted to have Japanese curry and rice so we went to the store and got all the ingredients needed.  After chopping all the vegetables and cooking the meat, we began to prepare the rice.  Unfortunately on the back burner was a styrofoam container with tortilla chips and a piece of paper hanging out.  When Steph lit the front burner, it caught the paper on fire which spread to the styrofoam.  We tried to put the flame out by blowing and dumping water on it.  Eventually we put it out but it left quite a sight.  Never a dull moment…

The rest of the day was spent just lounging around and hanging out.  Good times.

Day 2 (Saturday)

Finally being able to sleep a full night after about a month of restless nights was heaven. And I didn’t get up until 11.  We had lunch eventually and then headed to the beach with her sister Melissa and Melissa’s friend.  Having decided not to enter the water, the four of us laid on the beach and I myself dozed a bit, the weather was perfect and just lying there was very peaceful.  It was another day of just hanging around.

Day 3 (Sunday…yeah, I know)

Six Flags Magic Mountain.  Boo yah.  Goliath, Scream, Batman, Riddler’s Revenge, Viper.  Oh I love roller coasters.  And pizza.  We had pizza for dinner that night and it was delicious.

Day 4 (Monday)

Since we didn’t have transportation at our disposal, we were dropped off at the new train station and reminded what it was like to live in Japan.  It was a really nice ride and when we got off we had to do a bit of exploring to get to the beach.  We ended up going over train tracks (heh) because construction was being done on the trail we were taking.  When we reached the shore, we realized that the pier was down the beach a ways and that’s where we wanted to be since we were hungry and the area we were in was residential.  We arrived at the pier ready for food but decided against the expensive diner in favor of McDonald’s where we could enjoy the outdoors.  We probably only spent half an hour laying in the sun but it was again relaxing and I found myself dozing off.

After we got back to Steph’s, one of her church friends came to pick us up for college group.  It was an amazing time of fellowship and digging into The Word.  I’m really thankful we were able to go and I loved the dynamics of their group; it made me anxious to get involved in such a group in my area.  After the official meeting ended, we stayed and chatted with people, finally leaving around 9:45.

Day 5 (Tuesday)

Leaving day.  My flight was scheduled to take off at 11:30 but wasn’t able to until about noon due to weather conditions in San Francisco.  I finally made it back home at 2, an hour later than was originally scheduled.  I was very sad to leave Steph and San Diego but I’m so glad we were able to spend quality time together.  Hopefully we’ll continue to have annual get togethers and I’m hoping next time Matt will be able to join us.  Nothing bonds people like living in a foreign country together.  I’ve been truly blessed by their friendship.

It’s been a crazy year.  Cuh-razy.  But God is good (duh) and I am incredibly blessed. 

-I have a wonderful support group between my family and friends

-I’ll be going to an awesome college in a beautiful area, in the state that I love

-I’ll be living in a house (no apartments for me!) and be completely out of my element since I haven’t met either of my roommates

-I’ll be taking classes that actually pertain to what I want to do with my life, work with children

-I am engaged to the Love of my life and even though it feels like forever until we’re together as man and wife, time will fly and that day will be here before I know it

-I am being stretched in incredible ways and have been growing like crazy as a result

My mind has been consumed with thoughts of this next step in my journey.  I am so excited about going somewhere new, and not having a car, and being dependent on myself for food and other necessities.  Growing up is exhilarating.

In about an hour I will begin my final final (I’ve always loved saying that…I’m such a nerd).  I cannot believe that after four years of being in the community college system (starting in high school my sophomore year) I am finally leaving.  Admittedly there have been some really good memories; I met a lot of interesting people and had many wonderful teachers, but I’m ready to move on.  It looks like I know where I’ll be living next semester and I’m really excited.  After getting a taste of independence in Japan, it was tough moving back in with my parents.  I love being near my family but I feel like such a freeloader and I’m looking forward to living on my own again.  Life never ceases to be interesting.

Wednesday afternoon a friend and I drove up to Santa Rosa to visit Jason and his roommate.  We had been instructed by Jason to bring dresses because we were going to dinner.  Around 7 we all got dressed really quickly and were greeted in the parking lot by a white limo.  Having never really been in a limo it was quite exciting for me (it also might have helped that our driver seemed determined to make our ride a bit like a roller coaster).  After almost being dropped off at the wrong restaurant, we made it to the Calistoga Inn right in time for our reservation.  Dinner was pleasant and we came back to the apartment in good spirits.  Honestly the whole night I kept thinking, "What a nice date" and nothing else.  I had  no idea what was in store for me.

After changing back into "normal" clothes, we all sat in the living room for a bit just chatting it up.  When Jason and I were alone and I wasn’t looking, he slipped the ring on my finger and asked that monumental question.  And of course you know what I said.  

Though a quiet moment that came so unexpectedly (because I’m oblivious) it has made me so unbelievably, deliriously happy.  Thank you to all that have congratulated and shared your love with us.  I’m so blessed to have you in my life.

The church I work at owns a community center across a pretty wide valley and both are connected by a long bridge.  Today as I was crossing it I imagined what it would be like if we didn’t have the bridge.  It would be quite a walk to go from the community center to the church, including a serious incline that would have most people huffing by the time they reached the church.  I couldn’t help but think of all the diagrams I’ve seen that have compared Jesus to a bridge, with the cross spanning the distance between "Us" and "God".  How amazing is it that Jesus was willing and able to connect us directly to God?  How wonderful is it that we don’t have to prove ourselves worthy to earn His love?  How incredible is our Lord that He would sacrifice so much to spend eternity with ones so flawed?

It struck me the other day how much I’m going to miss when I move out.  Micah was in his room down the hall, just jamming on his guitar and my windows were open, a nice breeze flowing over me.  I was at peace and enjoying life, enjoying a rare moment in time when all is right with the world.  The simplicity of my joy was refreshing and I took a deep breath and prayed that it wouldn’t be forgotten.  The moment was tainted with sadness when I realized that these specific pieces of my life that bring me such pleasure will soon be gone.  Of course, they will be traded in for different aspects that will probably give me as much joy if not more.  But I will definitely miss this life too.

Today two of the first graders were talking to a counselor and I overheard an interesting statement made by one of the first graders.  This is what she said:

"It’s a girl’s world, boys are just walking in it."

I love our kids. 

It has begun. 

I have two weeks until my final final which marks the end of my community college career.  I cannot tell you how excited that makes me.  All I have to do is make it through these two weeks which shouldn’t be too hard.  Yippee!

(Also, I’ll be turning 21 in 3 months *happy dances*) 

Whatever your personal take on Mother’s Day, it’s a great reminder to honor the women in your life who have had a profound impact on you.  True, our love and appreciation to those women should be expressed everyday, but this is a good time to truly focus on doing just that.  So, to all the moms and mom-figures out there: thank you and know that even if it’s only explicitly expressed one day a year, you are loved and appreciated.

Tonight at practice I suddenly felt weighed down by depression.  Allowing my mind to wonder down a destructive path for a bit I mentally told myself to stop before it got any worse.  Forcing myself to quit focusing all my attention on my inner thoughts, I instead focused on the words we were singing and found myself feeling lighter as the depression lifted.  It made me realized (not for the first time) how amazing and wonderful it is that I have God in my life.  I don’t even want to imagine what my life would be like if my faith weren’t such an integral part of who I am.  Tonight when we sang "Breathe" these words were sung with everything I had in me:

And I, I’m desperate for You
And I, I’m lost without You

It’s almost midnight and I’m feeling really tired but jittery.  I have a compulsive need to do something besides sleep; I’ve been obsessively checking up and refreshing my e-mail, facebook and other sites I normally visit at least a million times a day.  There are so many other things I could be doing (aside from sleeping), like writing the two papers that are due in a week and a half, or any of the little weekly assignments due in Math or Psychology.  Finals are at the end of the month and I’m so excited about the end of community college forever.  It’s been nice being home, spending next to nothing on school and living expenses.  But I’m really looking forward to getting out into the "real world", going off to "real school", fending for myself and getting away from everything that’s familiar to me.  It’s exciting and enough to keep me up for many nights.  For now though, I should focus on getting through the rest of the semester and sleeping as much as I can.  Oyasuminasi.