Journeys

Is the semester over yet?  Because I know I’m ready for it to be…going on 10 hours of studying for my speech.  The outline’s due on Thursday and I’m totally burnt out.

Seriously, guys.  It’s so annoying to come out of class to a car with one of these sticking out of the window/door:

I appreciate that you extend your invitations out to everyone, but I don’t want to go to your party/club and I wish you’d stop inviting me.  Especially when the event has already happened.

The cool thing about blog journals is that they are accessible to everyone.  The scary thing about them is that they are accessible to everyone.

I’ve been writing in journals for as long as I can remember.  I have one tucked away somewhere that’s from over 10 years ago.  And I’m sure I have ones older than that.  I have over 100 journal books and thousands of entries (including the loose scraps of paper I used when I had nothing else).  Since my early days of journal writing I have envisioned people hundreds of years from now finding my writings, wondering what life was like in the 20th and 21st century.  They would publish my journals because I so accurately described my day-to-day life.  But I’ve moved on from that dream.  Now journaling is my therapy.  Nothing compares to an empty page; it sits there waiting for me to pour myself out onto it.  There’s so much potential, so much promise.  Those pages take all my thoughts, fears, joys and tears and never tell a soul.  They never ask for proper grammar or punctuation, never condemn me for my words and never ask questions that might be too painful to answer.

Of course a public journal is nice too, I like that it’s open for anyone to read.  But then I sometimes feel that I’ve shared too much of myself without anything from those who read it.  Maybe I’m being too personal or maybe whoever is reading is rolling their eyes at my dramatics.  I’ll never know (unless they choose to share such thought with me).  Obviously they have the option to just stop reading if they so choose.  But regardless of the thoughts of my readers, this place is my outlet.  For that I’ll keep coming back as long as the mood strikes me.

I’ve never really been a fan of the question "How are you?"  I mean, I know it’s a formality that we go through here in the States:

Person A: How are you?

Person B: Good.  How are you?

Person A: Good.

And then they go on their separate ways.  In Speech my professor was saying how a Russian student from a previous semester commented on this exchange.  She wondered at how rude we were in not really caring about how the person really is.  But everyone knows that we don’t have enough time to discuss how we’re really doing.  It’s easier to feign "goodness" and move on.  Who really wants to bare their hearts at the risk of sounding like a attention-hungry, melodramatic, and possibly unstable person?  And even if someone strays from the formula, it’s just easier for the listener to pretend the person said they were okay.

I dread when people ask me that question because to tell them I’m good would be lying.  But to tell them the truth?  What would that mean, what would follow my response?  Would they continue on their way or ask me what’s going on?  Would I want to tell them and how would they react if I did?  I guess like Doc from Cannery Row it’s easier to tell people what they want to hear so that they can move on with their lives.

Yes, I sound very cynical and dramatic.  But this is the truth for me now.  I’ve been having a tough time (emotionally, mentally physically and spiritually) and it’s about to get a whole lot tougher.  But what I need right now isn’t condemnation or judgment (both of which I’ve been getting a lot of lately), I need prayer.  I need strength and peace.  And most of all, I need God and to remember the promise that He’s always here to listen to my truth.

Here I am again
In this raging sea
On my knees again
Deep calls to deep

I feel I’m drowning
My arms are
Just too tired to swim
I feel like I’m sinking
On my knees again

In the roar of Your waterfall
In the storm of You
May You find me holding on
May You find me true

And I put my hope
And I put my trust
And I put myself in You
In You, Lord

Here I am again
In need of you
Broken, Beaten
Needing You

In the roar of Your waterfall
In the wonderful storm of You
May You find me holding on
May You find me true

Wash me clean
Set me free
Hold me close
And cover me

Here I am
Here I am…

-David Crowder

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?

Sometimes You’re further than the moon
Sometimes You’re closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You’ve come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns…for You

And I’m so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I’m stubborn, Lord, and I’m longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know

And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for You

-David Crowder 

Hope is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seems easy to hope, it’s an almost tangible thing you can wrap your arms around.  Other times it’s as substantial as mist and no matter how you try and catch it, it always slips away.

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." - Psalm 31:24 

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." - Psalm 130:5

"O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." - Psalm 130:7

"O Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore." - Psalm 131:3

"the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." - Psalm 147:11

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:31

"’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’" - Jeremiah 29:11

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." - Micah 7:7

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." - 1 Peter 1:3

I’m such a control freak.  Seriously.  Not only in regards to my own habits but also those of others.  If things aren’t going the way I want or think they should, I subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) try to make it so they do.  And I’m realizing more and more that sometimes the way I try and control the situation really hurts those around me.  I know I need to give up this tight grip I have on everything and everyone around me.  I’m hating how I’ve been acting of late, the words and attitudes I’m conveying to those I claim to love.  It’s disgusting to me how I’ve allowed myself to get so carried away with trivial matters.  This has to end.  I hope this is the beginning of a new way of thinking and acting for me.  I know it won’t be easy, change never is.  But I pray that God will continually remind me of this moment.  The moment where I looked up from the bottom of this pit I’ve dug and realized how much I want to be free of this control that…well, controls me.

There are certain songs, bands and albums that instantly bring me back to specific memories.

Before I got a c.d. player in the Mazda I made a tape of Switchfoot’s "The Beautiful Letdown" and listened to that the first 6 months of my driving career.  Just let it loop over and over and over again.  Nothing else.

Switchfoot in general makes me think of my first car (or truck) ride with Jason.  Derek blasted it until I thought I’d go deaf.  It might have been "Learning to Breathe" that was playing as we drove through the parking lot in Capitola, windows down and enjoying the weather and company.

"Come What May" from "Moulin Rouge" will forever make me think of the roadtrip with Steph and Matt, driving down the freeway singing along with Ewan and Nicole at the top of our lungs.

Enya’s "A Day Without Rain" album is probably the oldest music memory.  I listened to that during the entire writing of my only completed novel.  "Flora’s Secret" was the inspiration for the main character’s name as well as a scene in the book.

Snow Patrol’s "Open Your Eyes" album (with special emphasis on "Chasing Cars" and "Make This Go on Forever") will be immortalized in my mind as well.

At camp on the stage during express yourself when Jason sang "Can’t Help Falling In Love".  My face was certainly red and the lights shone brightly in my eyes.  It was cold and I didn’t know what to do with my feet or eyes.

And there are so many more.  I love music.