Journeys

It was terrible. srsly.

Last night I went to check on a grade for a paper I turned in last week.  It said I had 27%.  Um, what?!  I have never even gotten close to getting such a terrible grade on anything, even in math.  I think of myself as a good student, I work hard and do well.  Plus, I’m an achiever, doing well is what I thrive on, what I do.  Failure is not an option.  So I cried as Jason kissed my face and told me it was probably a mistake.  Yeah, ok.  And the thoughts kept coming: was it because I had uploaded it a few hours after 5 pm?  Was the analysis really that awful?  What had I done wrong?

So then.

I talked to my teacher today.  She told me not to freak out before she had a chance to check it.  Perhaps she had entered the grade incorrectly.  No one got a 27% she told me.  So I calmed down and waited.  She emailed me later today to tell me that I got 27 out of 30 points.  The gradebook said it was worth 100 points.  So I got 90%.  Ka-chow.

I want to

dance like the breeze

write poetry that brings people to their knees

compose a ballad that moves people to tears

These fingers missed this flow, the writing and the spark that runs through the body as thought turns to written word.  Shiver and still.  Too much action in my brain.  I have more papers to write, more air to breathe and more life to live. Oh, well.

———-

I changed a tire by myself today (previously I had some kind of help).  The thu-thunk of the tire alerted me to the flat.  I thought I could make it home but had to pull over, turned on the hazards, pulled out the jack and tire iron.  It took about 20 minutes, my hands got dirty, my hair kept blowing in my face and the zooming cars scared me a bit.  But I did it.

Wonder what tomorrow’s adventure will be. . .

The thoughts in my head are elbowing each other.  It’s kind of frustrating.

I’m thinking of pictures and what an interesting phenomenon they are.  It’s nice to capture moments but it’s also difficult if you weren’t involved in that moment to understand the background.  Even if I was involved in the taking of or being photographed, I wonder what I was thinking, what was assaulting my senses at the time.  It seems there’s always something to elude you.

I suck at letting things go.  Thoughts and the past often haunt me.  But maybe I want them to?

I don’t understand my own thoughts sometimes, why I feel the way I do.

Unknowingness frustrates me to no end.  Why must some people/things insist on being so mysterious?  Hmm?

There are too many songs out there.  I want to enjoy all the good ones.  But new ones are always invented and I’m not fast enough to catch them.

What would it be like if there was no concept of time?  What would happen to our society if suddenly technology collapsed?

Is it bad that I wish some people didn’t exist?  Don’t answer that.

I should go pick up Jason.

P.S. That’s not even the half of it.

So far this semester has been challenging, not just academically but also emotionally.  In several of my classes we’ve been tackling the issues of poverty and racism.  Obviously these are not new to me, but the way we have been talking about them, the context in which they are being presented, it has lit a fire in me.  I have always had a passion for caring for people, a desire to help those in need and fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.  I was really not excited about coming back to school this semester but I believe that God has been speaking to me everyday.  I believe I’m supposed to do something about these tragic issues that we’ve been discussing in class and I want to do something about the statistics we’ve been looking at.  My prayer is that this passion doesn’t fade, that God gives me clear direction and focus so that I can do my part to change the world.

I want to live with passion.

Life has been, in a word, great.  I’ve been so obviously blessed by God and I’m daily in awe of His clear and real presence in my life.  I’ve fallen so in Love with Him these last few months and I’m so excited to see what He’s going to do in the future.  While I’m feeling all this, I want to make sure and be real, to be genuine and not project someone I’m not.  I hope that my life reflects the core of who I am and that He is evident in my actions and words. 

Before this I was living in a very desolate place, feeling distant from Him and disconnected from who I was and wanted to be.  It’s amazing to feel this change, even if it wasn’t apparent from the outside.  I’ve felt immense peace and confidence in who I am even though the future isn’t completely clear.  I’m learning to Trust and have Faith outside of my own ability.  Even though I know that God is bigger than this little universe I inhabit, it was difficult for me to let go and allow Him to have control.  I’m finding that it’s been easier and I know that has had a hand in this Joy I am feeling.

I’m getting married in a little over a month and I’m so ready.  Through our conversations and the journey Jason and I have shared over the almost 6 years we’ve known each other, I know that he is The One for me and I’m so excited for us to become One.  Our story is wonderfully beautiful in its tragedies and its joys and I cannot wait to see what memories we’ll build on this foundation.

I’ve been home for about 3 weeks and I’ve gotten a lot done (at least in my mind).  The first week I was literally sewing the whole week, both for my dad’s work where I got paid, and then more personal work.  I was able to add more lining to my wedding dress, find flowers for myself and the bridesmaids, Mom got her dress, shoes and purse for the Big Day, I started making center pieces and we’ve planned and discussed different ideas for the decorations for the ceremony and reception.  I even know when my shower’s going to be.  Yesterday I started and finished a project that doesn’t have to do with the wedding but does have to do with moving in with my husband (eep!).  I sanded, primed and spray painted my old bureau.  I ended up with blue powder all over myself and paint on my hands and under my fingernails. The whole project took about 7 hours but it was totally worth it.

Before:

During:

After:

I’m pretty proud of how it turned out.

One year ago today I became a fiancée.  Yesterday we went to go get our marriage license.  It’s hard to believe that in less than three months I will be a married woman!

I have officially finished my Junior year of college.  I’m feelin’ good.

I feel bad that I haven’t be writing here much.  School’s kept me busy which isn’t entirely a bad thing, it means that the weeks go by that much faster.  I’ve not been getting the amount of sleep I should but soon, soon I will have an abundance of time.  Also, wedding planning is going really well and I’m so excited about being a Mrs.  Jason and I went to a weekend marriage conference that was totally amazing.  We’ll definitely be going to more as the years go by.

Life’s good.  Really good.

As you can probably guess, I’ve been really tired lately. The semester is now more than halfway over and I couldn’t be more thrilled.  On the other hand, that means deadlines are looming closer and closer which creates a spike in stress levels.  Ugh, I really don’t like homework.  The classes are enjoyable enough but it’s the stuff that I have to lug back home with me that is such a drag.  I’m really looking forward to summer break when I’ll get to wake up at 6am every weekday. . . hey, wait a sec!  At least I won’t have homework hovering over my head all the time.

In other news, wedding planning is kinda taking a break but we’ve got most of the major stuff taken care of which is a huge relief.  We’ll see if August 8th works out.  Here’s hoping. . .

Days need to be longer.  School needs to take less time.  Both of those, really.

Holy cow.  I can’t believe it’s already 2009.  Happy New Year to you all!  I feel like both Christmas and New Years just kinda pounced on me; I was so busy and occupied with other things that I didn’t have the energy to get into the "Holiday Spirit".  But I still enjoyed Christmas immensely and I’m excited to see what this new year brings.  As far as I know this is the year Jason and I will finally become man and wife, if all goes according to some plan.  Things are still up in the air so we’re not sure if it’ll happen in May or August.  Hopefully one of those.  And today I’m going with coworkers to see "The Phantom of the Opera" in the city!  A good start to the new year I have to say.

This Christmas was beautiful.  I was able to spend time with my grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins.  My dad and his four other brothers and sisters gathered around my petite grandma for a group shot.  Seeing the way they dote on her, support her and give her their love and devotion is a humbling and touching thing.  Next year she will be 90 years old and I believe that the love that surrounds her has been a huge part of why she has made it this far and looks so much younger.  At that moment a feeling of boundless gratitude filled me to be part of such a loving family.  I am so blessed that I have such caring souls who have showed me what it is to really love. 

Later my dad showed me a slide show he was making for my mom’s dad who is also turning 90 next year.  The slide show went through my grandpa’s life and showed my mom from toddler to mother and it was another moment where my heart was in my throat and I was deeply filled with love for my family.  I’ve been struck again and again during this Christmas break how important family is.  I’ve always known my family is such an integral part of who I am but I have a greater appreciation for them now.  I pray that with the closing of this year and the bringing of the next, I would hold onto that thought.

As a United States citizen it is a privilege for me to vote.  This is my first presidential election and I’m proud to say that I took part in it.  So many emotions and opinions have been posted all over the internet about and on this day.  I’m not here to push a particular candidate or agenda on you but I urge you, if you are registered and informed on the issues, go vote.  It’s a privilege, not a right, one that you should be proud to participate in.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love photography.  I love pictures of people, their faces filling the frame with joy.  But how often do pictures really capture what’s going on inside?  How many photos represent fake smiles and plastic feelings?  I dunno, just something I was thinking about. . .

It’s actually been decided upon for about a month now.  But anyway, Jason and I have kind of picked a date for the Big Day: May 30th.  It’s a Saturday, two weeks after I’m done with finals and two days before the lease is up on my house.  I really like the month of May and it seemed like a good number.  We had originally been talking about waiting until I’m finished with school…but if we did that then I would have to figure out another place to live until we’re married and this just seems like an easier thing to do.  Plus, I’m kind of not liking the idea of waiting a whole year and a half and thus having a two year engagement.  No thanks.  I’ve been coming up with ideas left and right about where I want it, wedding attire, etc, etc, etc.  Needless to say I’m very excited and stressed.  I have no idea what all goes into wedding planning but I’m finding out.  I could be married in 8 months!  AHH!!